Remember their tiny hands…
I heard a saying once that when you get upset or angry with your child or baby, look at their tiny hands. In that instant, you are reminded how they really need you. Then, whatever is happening, doesn’t seem so hard and you find the strength to serve them, even when you are at the end of your rope.
Motherhood….one of the most rewarding experiences, but also one of the most challenging. Marriage and motherhood have been hands down, the two most sanctifying tools in my life thus far. I don’t like the “toxic mommy” culture that’s out there where people make fun of their kids or put them down on the internet. Children are a gift and a reward from the Lord (Psalm 127:3).
But that doesn’t mean that motherhood isn’t hard. Man, it’s hard. You aren’t truly prepared for just how much your entire life changes when you have a child. Nothing can prepare you. Your marriage changes and it’s the perfect breeding ground for resentment. You feel as if you have grown an extra appendage. This little human is now a part of you. You anticipate their every cry, their next nap, and their every need. You literally carried them inside of you and birthed them. You have a bond with them that your husband will never know or experience. You are automatically in tune with them. God created it this way. He chose you for the job. It’s a blessing and an honor- until it no longer feels like one in those weak moments and your selfish sin nature wants to take control. Just being real.
it’s okay to admit that motherhood is hard. It’s hard to always feel needed. And if you deal with perfectionism and performance like I do, that creates a whole set of expectations that only set you up to fail. My little girl is almost two. We are entering the age of early morning wake ups, sleep regressions, and tantrums. Oh, the tantrums.
They are difficult to deal with because I know most of the times how to help her, but she won’t let me. Then there are other times where she is melting down because I took a wipe away from her. Even with replacing it with something else, she’s just mad. I’ve come to learn that tantrums at this age are completely normal and actually, developmentally appropriate. It’s not our job to stop them from having a tantrum, but to stay calm and to help them through it and learn how to regulate and process their own emotions. This is a skill they don’t know- their brain isn’t mature enough yet and they need to learn it from us. I repeat, they need to learn it from us.
People just expect children to act like adults without teaching them anything. Their brains just aren’t capable enough or mature enough for certain things at certain ages. I remember my daughter being probably 18 months old and someone told me I needed to teach her how to share. This information usually comes from elders who have “been there done that” and really, they mean well but are usually operating on hand me down information instead of recent research. I love their wisdom and can appreciate their experiences, but it doesn’t always apply. According to the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics), children who was under the age of three cannot even understand the concept of sharing. I’m digressing a bit, but the point I’m trying to make is, know what’s developmentally appropriate and what is not by doing your own research.
Okay, back to my original point to helping our kids regulate and calm down. Sometimes I did okay. Then other times, I felt myself getting very angry. I kept asking myself, “why am I so triggered and why is this causing such a negative and visceral response in me?” Well, the Holy Spirit is the best teacher; all we have to do is ask. It was for two reasons other than the obvious that a screaming toddler is frustrating, especially when you don’t want them to wake up a sibling. The first reason was that I felt very out of control. I didn’t have control over her response or reactions. The second reason was I felt like I was failing; I wasn’t being a
“good mom” if she was crying. I took her tantrums personally. I felt like for some reason, I was failing as a parent because she was melting-down. Both are lies/deception. First of all, we don’t have control over anyone. As parents, we have authority…but authority and control are two different things. Control is an illusion. Second, the fact that she is crying because I’m changing her diaper has nothing to do with my performance as a parent.
Later that day, I spoke with another mom who was going through a similar thing. I shared with her my revelation which blessed her, and she shared with a couple other mama’s and it blessed them. Apparently, we are all silently struggling with this but don’t talk about it because who wants to actually admit they totally lost their mind and had a meltdown right next to their toddler or kid. So, here I am, finding myself writing about this because, we all need the reminder and the encouragement.
If we can pinpoint why we’re being triggered, then we can better regulate our own emotions during that time, to then help our children regulate their emotions. Toddlers are just younger versions of you. We look at them as children (which they are), but they’re just a smaller version of you; with their own emotions and frustrations. They aren’t void of the human experience just because they are kids. But the difference is, they don’t know what to do with those emotions.
Imagine this: you (the adult) are having a bad day. The frustrations of the day have built up and that one little thing that happens sets you over the edge. You take a couple deep breaths and maybe talk to the Lord or call a friend or talk to your husband. Could you imagine if that person yelled at you and told you to stop crying? That it’s not a big deal? Or even worse, spanked you for the sole reason that you were having a hard time and crying? The person you love, your safe place, didn’t help you process through your emotions? Sometimes it’s hard for an adult with coping skills (especially if you had an out of control parent who couldn’t regulate their emotions), can you imagine this as a child? If this was you, it’s time to break that generational cycle.
I’m not saying you will just suddenly be perfect (and Lord knows I won’t be either). But, in the moment, it can be so triggering and we just want to stop the tantrum, stop the meltdown, and stop the crying. We don’t even think. We just go into fight or flight mode. I just want you to think about this and to keep it in mind.
You, mama, are doing a great job, and you got this! When you feel weak, call on the Lord. He is your strength in weakness and can help you in these moments. I know I’ve failed many times when I didn’t, but I’ve also called on Him many times and He’s given me the grace. And remember, if you do end up crying on the floor next to your kiddo, it’s going to be okay. If you yelled, repent, and tell your child you’re sorry. Ask for their forgiveness. Conflicts in families are inevitable, but it’s up to you if you’re going to model a godly home where repentance is shown or not. Experts agree (don’t you love how neuroscience always backs up the Word of God) that in healthy environments, family conflict (that is not abusive and non-violent) is normal, it’s the repair that really matters.
When you find yourself wanting to lose your cool, take a few deep breaths, pray, and look at their tiny hands. Remember your blessings and be grateful to the Lord for them. Remember this is a season that will quickly pass, keep your eyes on Jesus, and that you are raising disciples to make a difference in this world for Christ which has great eternal value.
