The Tapestry

I’m going to piggy back off my last blog post of “perseverance” so if you haven’t read it yet, please go back and read! I had a promise and a word from the Lord, but I looked at circumstances instead of His promise. I knew I had to persevere, and the Lord taught me alot in that tension. However, more revelation is unfolding, and I want to share it.

Don’t define the big picture that God is working out by hard MOMENTS. We THINK we know how a situation should go; then it works out the total opposite way. My husband and I were talking the other day about how hindsight is 20/20. We can’t always see God working in situations until they are done. In the middle, we can’t see or understand, but it should bring us comfort that God knows the end from the beginning. He already knows all of our thoughts, motives, choices, life events, and trials. Proverbs 16:9 says “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” I constantly struggle with the tension of man’s free will. I truly know God is sovereign and will work all out according to His purposes and glory, but there is ALOT I don’t understand (and honestly don’t think I am meant to). I once heard someone say “If we knew and understood EVERYTHING there is to know about God on this side of eternity, would He be worth worshipping?” I don’t mean to sound blasphemous because OF COURSE He is worth worshipping; the point is that He is God and He alone understands all that we aren’t meant to. If we knew EVERYTHING, then WE would be God (and we aren’t). There are some things I don’t think we are meant to or supposed to understand in this life on earth.

As I talked about in my last blog post, I felt the Lord impress strongly upon me that this postpartum experience would be different than my last with my daughter. He is faithful. I am a month postpartum, and it has been a night/day difference. I am still in the thick of it, but I can see His faithfulness and promise. I almost didn’t believe it though because of really rocky moments or days over the course of the last four weeks. I’ve had days where I felt like I was drowning with severe mood swings and sadness, fights with my husband, feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, wondering if I was making enough milk or if Atlas was getting enough. I would think, oh no is the PPD/PPA coming on? It took everything in me not to spiral.

Does that mean God didn’t fulfill His promise? NO. Last year, my husband and I went through a really rocky time. I started to see snippets of similar patterns creeping up. Things are DIFFERENT for the better this time around- he has stepped up in ways to help with the kids and support me in ways he didn’t last time. In the middle, did I start to believe the lie when we had human moments and familiar struggles that began to creep in? Yes.

I began to have trouble with breastfeeding, wondering if it would truly work out because Atlas was losing weight and our weighted feeds didn’t go so well at our lactation consultant appointments. Today, Atlas is continuing to steadily gain weight, have the right amount of wet diapers, and I have a freezer that is filled with bags of breastmilk. I could have not believed the promise because of these hard moments in time.

I did walk walk in obedience and faith to fulfill these promises. I could have believed the lie and given up on breastfeeding. I could have fallen back into old patterns and decided to speak death and criticism over my husband and marriage- having a disrespectful attitude (respect is a man’s #1 need) which always always exacerbates marital issues. I could have stopped reading the word and praying and neglected the fight for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

I didn’t do these things; because I chose to believe God, fight and persevere because I realized these “moments” or “days” in the grand scheme of things did not nullify the promise God gave me. He gave me a promise about my purpose (alone and with my husband), my family, and our legacy. He is in the details to speak and fulfill His word. I am finding time and time again it doesn’t look how we think it should. His ways are higher. In the windy path and the many spools of thread for the tapestry of our lives He is bringing people, skills, situations, opportunities, and divine appointments to bring us to that ultimate destination. Often in the middle you aren’t going to see that, but if you just keep going in faith He will give you a Godwink to let you know you are on the right path. He will allow us to trace His hand every once in awhile, but if we don’t trust His heart for us we might miss it or disobey all-together.

I remember when Lance and I were struggling after Remy was born. My marriage didn’t look like the vision the Lord gave me despite clear words from the Lord, many confirmations, prophecies, and Spirit filled believers speaking the same thing over us, again and again, without knowledge of what other people had said. God pointed me to where Jeremiah felt God deceived him. God is not a deceiver OR a liar. Jeremiah 20:7 says “O LORD, you misled me, and I allowed myself to be misled. You are stronger than I am, and you overpowered me.” I read a commentary on this. God might show us the ending/goal and not the path (which includes the valleys). If He showed us the full picture we would probably not follow through with some things because they would freak us out. God persuaded Jeremiah to enter the ministry. However, Jeremiah was not fully aware of all the consequences of this decision. Isn’t this life? But God works all things together for our good and His glory. So don’t be discouraged when the “middle” or “moments” where God is actively working things out. I’ve had days where I’ve asked God where He is, only to find out days, weeks, or months later He was working behind the scenes the whole time.

Like I’ve said before, if there are no trials, God cannot show us His faithfulness or bring us to deeper levels of relationship and trust. He shows us His character and nature through the trials when He brings us out of them. I don’t have regrets anymore because I know everything that has happened (pleasant or not) He has used for a testimony. He’s used some of the darkest times to grow me, shape me, sanctify me, and show me WHO HE IS. He’s also using that for purpose. It makes us relatable to others. If we don’t depend on Him, we can’t give Him a reason to come through. If we don’t go through hard stuff in life how can be possibly relate to others who are going through similar situations? We cannot minister to others without walking in their shoes ourselves. We can trust the tapestry He is weaving with our lives despite feeling like we’re going backwards or sideways and remembering it’s all about souls and His glory anyways! Keep the faith in the middle and hard moments because God’s not done yet….