Performance Vs. Grace

I love this image. A flower growing in an unlikely place. If this isn’t a perfect image of God’s grace; beauty from ashes.

We all need grace in Christ. Every single one of us. Whether we just started walking with the Lord or whether we’ve been walking with Him for decades. When you’re used to “performing” it can be hard to remember to rest in that grace. It’s funny how much we receive grace when we first get saved- but somehow get amnesia because we start to focus on works and that we should be “more sanctified” by now. I’m not talking about a hyper-grace gospel where repentance isn’t required, but I AM talking about a hyper focus on works and OURSELVES instead of Jesus. This doesn’t lead to freedom- it leads to bondage. My knowledge base about Christ before I truly got saved was very focused on behavior. It was more about “doing vs not doing” instead of resting and trust in Christ and allowing the work of the Holy Spirit to empower and change us through a lifelong process called sanctification. I am honestly not sure where it started, but I have struggled with performance and perfectionism in general for as long as I can remember. It’s bled into all areas of my life, including my walk with Christ at times.

2 Timothy 1:9-10 says ” He has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

I know I’m forgiven in Christ. I don’t believe it’s my works that saves me because I know that’s impossible. What I HAVE been focusing too much on lately is performance and works that are NOT eternal. Do you do the same? Are you more focused on the things of the earth that don’t have eternal value? I have been, and the fruit has been rotten. I end up stressed out, on edge, anxious, and anything but joyful. For as long as I can remember, I tried to do the best and be the best. In grade school, I made it to the spelling bee and lost on the first word. I was so hard on myself. All throughout high school I worked really hard to get good grades to get into college. In college I stressed and worked hard to get good grades to get into physical therapy school. In physical therapy school, I was told by one of my professors in cadaver lab that “I would make coffee nervous.” I would legitimately throw up before practicals. Then, I finally met the goal of graduating with my doctorate from physical therapy school to really get into performance mode. “Productivity” is a word that was drove the profession- no matter what setting. Billable minutes vs minutes clocked in had to meet a certain percentage of productivity- which honestly was only attainable in a perfect world. We all know we don’t live in a perfect world. Performance has been engrained into my mind. Maybe you can relate. At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves what REALLY matters.

2 Timothy 2: 1 – 7 says “You then, my son be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others. Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer. Similarly, anyone who competes as an athlete does not receive the victor’s crown except by competing according to the rules. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.” Our focus should be on Christ.

I didn’t realize how bad I was struggling until a couple of weeks ago. Being on time is not my strength. It’s important to my husband, so I have been making more of an effort to be early or on time. My daughter had her first dentist appointment, which I made in the morning (this was mistake number one). All things aside, we were able to leave on time. I was so proud of myself. Then we pulled onto a two lane road, stuck behind a truck going 15-20 mph in a 40 mph zone. After several minutes I realized I was going to be late. I called the dental office to notify them and they were SO kind and extended me so much grace- and told me to be safe and that was what matters. I had done everything in my power to be on time, being late wasn’t my fault, and the office was understanding YET I could not get over it. I stressed myself over it. Then as I’m pulling into the office my husband called me so I’m trying to navigate my conversation with him AND navigate where I’m going. I pull in, unload our daughter, and walk into the office. I’M AT THE WRONG PLACE. I had to load her back into the car, drive across the street to the right clinic. Mind you, I’m about twenty minutes late at this point. Again, they were super nice and grace filled- completely understanding. I didn’t let anyone see, but in my mind I was so upset. I couldn’t let it go. The funny thing was, no one else cared except for me. God used people I didn’t even know as an opportunity to receive grace.

I don’t know if it was the pregnancy hormones, but after her appointment I cried in the car on the way home because I was so frustrated at the situation. I had done everything in my power to be on time and I STILL failed. Why did it matter? Why was it such a big deal? God spoke to me so clearly on the way home- it was my PRIDE. It was because so often I trust in MYSELF instead of keeping my eyes on Christ. This is why we need a Savior. We cannot be self reliant or do things in our own strength when Jesus is Lord. Yes, we SHOULD have a heart posture to do what pleases Jesus- and I do. I want to honor people’s time and my commitments, but did this situation/outcome REALLY matter in light of eternity? NO. Also, WHO KNOWS what God could have been protecting me from by ALLOWING this situation. Despite living in a fallen world that is filled with sin, do I believe He is supreme ruler and sovereign- that all things pass through His hands to accomplish His purposes? I can’t even begin to understand His ways, but I DO know His character and nature. He is GOOD, He is FAITHFUL, and He is TRUSTWORTHY even when I can’t see it in the moment based on my circumstances. I believe this in my head, but do I believe it in my heart? My reactions and fruit say otherwise sometimes.

Romans 3:3-4 says than God is faithful EVEN when we are not. He forgives, He guides, He redeems, He protects, and He is looking out for our ultimate good, His purposes and glory. He has the birds eye view while we have the view of an ant. If you have children, then you already know how God uses our children to speak to us. We have a higher perspective than our children because we know more- just like God. He’s used a couple of examples recently. My daughter doesn’t realize that her teeth need to be brushed every night to protect them, but I do. So, each night is a battle to brush those pearly whites (if you know you know). She has to be held a certain way (sometimes taking two people)- fighting and crying the entire time. My husband hates doing it because he knows she doesn’t like it. BUT, we’re doing it because it’s what’s best for her, even though she doesn’t see it. A little discomfort in the moment with teeth brushing is going to prevent her from getting cavities and ruining her teeth in the long run. The discomfort doesn’t feel like “good” even though it is.

Also, we recently traveled to and from West Virginia to visit my family. The entire way home (11 hours in the car due to bad weather, traffic, and stops) I sat in the back of our van with our daughter to tend to her so my husband could focus on driving. At one point, she was restless and the only thing that could pacify her was watching veggie tales on my iPhone. Well, my phone started to die. We plugged it into the charger, and I continued to hold it in her view of sight. Well, she wanted to hold it, and was interested in the charging cord that was plugged into the phone. She kept playing with it- and unplugging it. I would take the phone plug it back in, and hold it again. The cycle repeated, she kept grabbing the phone and unplugging it- not realizing that that charger was needed to keep the phone from dying and to keep her beloved veggie tales playing. Her perspective was limited, but mine wasn’t. I wonder how often I do this with God. I’m the small child who wants to unplug the very life source to His purpose because it doesn’t meet my expectation. What seems like a nuisance, truly has great purpose. I just have to TRUST Him and His grace for all situations. I need to focus on HIM and not me.

I’m digressing a little bit- but there is a lesson here. FLOW with GRACE. Focus on WHAT IS ETERNAL. I had another meltdown this week- why, you ask? Because if it could happen, it did. Unexpected surprise after unexpected surprise. My control was gone; my to do list thrown out the window. My expectations for myself were high and unmet. I felt like I failed- again. Why did this matter? It didn’t. Yes, we need food, clean dishes to eat off of, and clean clothes to wear- but if things don’t go as planned, who cares? If the house is a mess and there are dirty dishes in the sink that day- why does it matter? When we stand before Him on judgment day, will He say “well done my good and faithful servant?” I can tell you one thing, He isn’t going to judge me on if I was on time, or how clean my home was….

Here is what DOES matter and DOES have eternal impact. Are we keeping Jesus first and at the center of everything we do and say? Are we spending time in the Word and prayer, strengthening our relationship with Christ and growing in intimacy with Him? Are we praying for our loved ones and for the lost? Are we serving our families well? Am I pouring love and attention into my children and being a helpmate to my husband? Or am I so focused on my to do list, that dishes, the laundry, and a clean home that I completely miss the opportunity to minister to them in the first place? Our children and husband need our love, care and attention vs. a stressed out wife/mother with an immaculate home. Are we serving the needs of those around us? Are we witnessing and testifying to give God glory? Are we walking out the purpose for whatever God has called us to in that season vs focusing on performance and to do lists? When things DON’T go our way- which is often- how are we reacting? Are we TRUSTING in God, that He is working behind the scenes to come to our rescue or are we acting like orphans, desperately reaching for control and taking matters into our own hands. Starting today, I am asking myself “does this matter in light of eternity?”

Yes, we SHOULD steward our time, talents, finances, etc to the glory of God and His purposes. These things DO have eternal impact. I’m not saying we shouldn’t take responsibility for our lives and try to do our best and make a difference. We SHOULD be doing everything to the glory of God (Colossians 3:17 and Colossians 3:23-24). However, when we fall short, especially if it doesn’t have eternal value- there needs to be GRACE for ourselves and grace for others. When I cannot give myself grace, I have a hard time extending it to others.

I pray you give yourself and others grace today- that your eyes are on eternity and Jesus. I pray He uses all situations to grow your faith and trust in Him.