10 practical ways to show your husband respect
Why is it important to respect your husband? As a woman, our number one need is love. Our husbands number one need, however, is respect. They thrive on respect. I read a book “For women only” by Shaunti Feldhahn (and it’s life changing) where she polled men; surprisingly, they would rather feel unloved than disrespected in their marriages. You can buy it here –FYI if you do I may earn a small commission; as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases).
For a couple years, my husband would tell me he didn’t feel respected. I don’t think he could clearly communicate what that meant to me in a way I actually understood. He tried, but we just speak different languages, and I didn’t fully understand. I spoke kindly even in correction. I tried not to get a nasty tone or attitude. I packed his lunches and performed acts of service. How could he not feel respected?
I was loving him the way I wanted to be loved, but not respecting him. Let’s say your husband says he is hungry. You try to feed him a piece of chicken, but what he really needs is a steak. You give him a cooked piece of chicken and are trying to meet his need in YOUR OWN way, but you are missing his need altogether because you gave him chicken, not steak. Get what I’m saying?
We can do everything we THINK our husbands need from us, but if we aren’t meeting their true need, it’s all in vain. After reading this book, it’s like something clicked for me; I finally understood what my husband had been saying to me all along! I have talked to many women (me included) who struggle with independence and control. This has a detrimental effect in our marriages; trust me I would know!
So this brings me to practical ways to respect our husbands. I would often hear “you don’t trust me,” and I didn’t fully understand how he would feel this way from certain things I did or said, until now. So, what are some ways we can practically honor and respect our husbands?
- Trust his judgement
My husband would have an idea or give an opinion. Most times, if I didn’t agree I would immediately shoot it down or say no. I didn’t ask for his perspective or ask additional questions to gain insight. It was my way or the highway. What a wonderful wife I was with a quiet, gentle, and submissive spirit! HA. I had to be in control and always thought my way was best. What my words were saying to my husband (even if I didn’t mean it this way) was “I’m smarter than you, I know better than you, I don’t trust your judgement/ability to make decisions, and you are stupid.” I didn’t have to say these exact words to make him feel this way. Now, if I don’t understand something or fully agree I ask for his perspective and insight so that I can see his viewpoint instead of thinking mine is the best and only way. After all, this is biblical. We are a team and we always talk things out. At the end of the day, my husband is the leader of the family and if we don’t come to an agreement its my job to submit to his ultimate decision.
2. Don’t always have a better idea
I’m sort of expounding upon principle number 1 here, but it’s a little different. Sure, if there is an area that is YOUR strength and his weakness, definitely offer support or thoughts, but not in a demeaning or emasculating way. For example, money/finances is my strength. In this area, my husband does come to me and asks my opinion/advice and we usually come to the decision together. But there are small areas that I don’t need to challenge him on. Here’s an example. There might be a house project that he’s working on; it’s his area of strength. If he says he needs X, Y, and Z for the job, don’t challenge it and have a “better idea”. Just go with it. Otherwise, you are really telling him “I know better in this area.”
3. Tell him how much you admire him for working so hard to support your family
Whether you work as well or your husband is the sole provider, he feels immense pressure to provide. He feels the heavy burden no matter what. He likely isn’t getting validation out there in the workforce; make sure he is getting it at home! He is still going to feel the fear of failing so make sure you let him know he is appreciated not only for what he does, but who he is! This validation and encouragement will help him know he is going a good job.
4. Allow him to lead your family
Your husband is the spiritual leader of the family. You have equal value. That doesn’t mean you are less important or have less value, but God made the family to operate a certain way. He can’t lead if you don’t allow him. Again, if YOU always try to take control and the lead it tells your husband that you don’t trust his judgment/ you think you are smarter than him. If he ISN’T leading you, ask him to do so. Let know know you value his insights and enjoy when he leads you. Build him up in this area because he may be lacking confidence or under condemnation. Don’t nag him and get in your prayer closet and ask the Lord to empower and equip him to lead you. Also, ask God to soften your heart to ALLOW him to lead you. I struggled sometimes with allowing my husband to lead in certain areas to prevent him from making a mistake. I had to learn that I NEED to be a safe place for my husband to land. I have to ALLOW him to make mistakes, learn from them, and TRUST that God will be either leading him OR redeem any mistakes we would make. When it comes to big decisions my husband always talks things out with me and most of the time we are on the same page. However, in times where we don’t land on the same page I have to trust that in being obedient to God through submission to my husband’s decision that God will catch us and work all things out for good. We can still respect our husbands even if we disagree and this is one way we can do so.
5. Don’t be critical
Criticism tells them they are bad, you like don’t like them and don’t respect them. It doesn’t build up or honor them and attacks their character. It’s easy to “help” your husband aka criticize him on his shortcomings instead of coming along side of him to be a helpmate in his areas of weakness. We ALL have areas we wish our spouse would change in, or be better at but we cannot be the Holy Spirit for our spouse. For example, if time management and procrastination is an area of weakness for my spouse, I need to come along side of him and ask how I can help him in this area instead of criticizing him about it. He already knows he falls short, trust me. Whether it be a spiritual stronghold, a character flaw, or just an area they are weak in we need to go to the Lord about it in prayer. After we’ve done that, we can go to our spouse to ask them how we can support them/complement them in this area. God can work better than we can. Of course, in any marriage there are times where conversations need to take place. We have them and then let the Holy Spirit be the reinforcer.
6. Let him know you believe in him
This is an example of words of respect and affirmation. Fear of failure, not being enough, not being a good provider, etc echo in the minds of men. They already feel the pressure to protect and provide. They NEED to hear they are doing a good job. We as wives have the power to build up or tear down. Let’s build up and encourage.
7. Don’t nag him
Nagging tells your husband “I don’t trust you to do it.” If your husband isn’t doing something on your timeline, you have to trust there is a reason. It does wonders when we trust our husbands and show them through our actions and words they ARE capable.
8. Expound upon all the things he’s doing right
The inner critic is constantly playing in your husbands mind. These thoughts can include financial pressure, work performance, him focusing on his flaws and what he could do better. Let him know he is an amazing child of God, an amazing husband, father, and provider. Give him examples of all the things he is excelling at to help combat that inner critic that tells him otherwise.
9. Let him know you desire him
This is fairly self explanatory. Men NEED sex. It’s like the equivalent of us needing to talk. Imagine if they ignored us for days?! Don’t make him feel like sex is a chore. This is a blow to his ego. Make sure he knows YOU THINK he is the most desirable man in the world to you and that you feel so blessed he is yours.
10. Compliment him in public (and don’t tear him down in front of others)
The worst thing you can do is criticize or emasculate your husband in public or in front of others. Build him up, compliment him, and let everyone know you think your husband is all that and a bag of chips. The last message you want to give others (whether you realize it or not is) is “my husband is incapable, a failure, and I don’t respect him.” Again, focus on words of respect that build up instead of tear down.
If we start respecting our husbands (meeting their #1 need) we WILL see a drastic change in how they love us.
